I asked if when D came to bed last night if he just went to bed or if he hugged me first when I was sleeping. He just went to bed. My only dream last night was him Coming up behind me and holding me. I feel like he hates me and everything I do including breathing bothers him.... When did I become so terrible? When did things become so fucked?

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If one more person says "oh you probably only weigh what x lbs... Xlbs at the most" I'm going to go postal. I know they mean well but right now I can't handle those comments or those numbers.

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Some mornings I wake up and it's an instant struggle. I feel depressed, I'll, and grouchy, so by the time I'm finally out of bed and getting dressed you know of course I'm going to feel like none of my clothes fit. So I will change 30 times and finally decide on something. (at this point all I want to do is stay home and I'm usually on the verge of ( Read more... )

I was sitting here teplaying last night... Replaying the steady mantra "i hate myself" i told myself crying and screaming inside while he told me I'm an emotional roller coaster, which I am... Once again. And I was sitting in the car not wanting to speak, not wanting to look at my beautiful view (like I do everytime I sit in my car about to leave ( Read more... )